The Art of Listening: Eric Fromm

Listening, Fromm argues, is an art.  He offers six guidelines for mastering the art of unselfish understanding:

💜 The basic rule for practicing this art is the complete concentration of the listener.

💜Nothing of importance must be on his/her mind, he/she must be optimally free from anxiety as well as from greed.

💜She/He must possess a freely-working imagination which is sufficiently concrete to be expressed in words.

💜She/He must be endowed with a capacity for empathy with another person and strong enough to feel the experience of the other as if it were his own.

💜The condition for such empathy is a crucial facet of the capacity for love. To understand another means to love him/her — not in the erotic sense but in the sense of reaching out to her/him and of overcoming the fear of losing oneself.

💜Understanding and loving are inseparable. If they are separate, it is a cerebral process and the door to essential understanding remains closed.

https://www.brainpickings.org/2017/04/05/erich-fromm-the-art-of-listening/?

Drowning in the Swamp

From the Broadbent Institute:
On the recent passage of Bill 21 in Quebec: "Put simply, expressions of Muslim identity are portrayed as a threat to security in Western societies, including Canada. Such Islamophobic overtures have been catapulted into the public discourse in recent years with the mainstreaming of right-wing political ideas that rest on the demonization of Muslims. As political leaders verbalize (unfounded) anxiety around cultural and political assertions by Canadian Muslims, the community continues to experience elevated levels of anti-Muslim hate and violence. The Quebec City mosque shooting is among the deadliest incidences of domestic terrorism in Canada. Hate crime statistics between 2016 and 2017 indicate a 151% increase in hate crimes targeting Muslims. 

What can normal ordinary people do who are concerned about the degradation in our society - the trickle-down of contempt for life, expressed by an elite who would do anything to interrupt the democratic process of progress, and shut down the voice of common decency, empathy and compassion for our fellow beings.

The only sign that there is any hope is expressed by kindness. Our own mental health is dependant on this.

From Science and Nonduality newsletter:
"I know that a new and kinder day will come," Etty wrote, "And I would so much like to live on, if only to express all the love I carry within me. And there is only one way of preparing the new age, by living it even now in our hearts." Her unusual conviction to not only embrace the suffering given her, and stand in solidarity with the suffering of her people, but to continuously praise life and express the love flooding her being to become “the thinking heart of the concentration camp,” offers us too a model of shaping our own age as the thinking hearts of our time, no matter the crisis we face.

The Universal Nature of Love

"When scientists looked for a unified theory of the universe they forgot the most powerful unseen force. Love is Light, that enlightens those who give and receive it. Love is gravity, because it makes some people feel attracted to others. Love is power, because it multiplies the best we have, and allows humanity not to be extinguished in their blind selfishness. Love unfolds and reveals. For love we live and die. Love is God and God is Love." Albert Einstein. Monoset.com.

"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get." Confucius. Brainy Quotes

"Nobody can predict the future. You just have to give your all to the relationship you're in and do your best to take care of your partner, communicate and give them every last drop of love you have. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is caring for your significant other through good times and bad." Nick Cannon Brainy Quotes.

"Love yourself for who you are, and trust me, if you are happy from within, you are the most beautiful person, and your smile is your best asset." Ileana D'Cruz. Brainy Quotes

"I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality... I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word." Martin Luther King, Jr. Brainy Quotes

"I think people who are creative are the luckiest people on earth. I know that there are no shortcuts, but you must keep your faith in something Greater than You, and keep doing what you love. Do what you love, and you will find the way to get it out to the world." Judy Collins. Brainy Quotes

The Begat of Gratitude

To those who gave birth to my ancestors

who told me stories of the world

who showed me how to love it.

To all those who by accident and brief encounter

brought me to some truth I did not want to know.

To those who, not knowing my name

helped when I needed help

and who received mine when they needed it.

To those who by commitment of their will

have learned to write, sing, dance or paint

the message we most need to learn.

To all those who have the courage to put their skill

on the public stage to serve

as doctor, lawyer, minister, teacher, publisher,

scientist or social worker.

To those whose names I may never learn

who clean the office, drive the bus, do the laundry

pick the fruit and stack the shelves.

To those who have listened to another 

when they needed to be heard.

To all who embrace their vulnerability

and who enter into compassion.

For you are the names and the faces

of my gratitude.

(from Infinite Power, Ekstasis 2016)

No. 11: Love

11: love is essential for an infant to survive therefore it must be essential to our health. 

Love is the ultimate resistance against the addiction for things.

Although I have written about a hierarchy of human based resources to replace the hierarchy of position and status, I understand that any thought can become a thing of oppression when written down.

Love makes its own demands and we can be oppressed if we love too much or too little or the wrong thing. Anything good, needful, beautiful or necessary can also be a trap. 

But love pulls us back into the family of things we are born into. This is where we live first.  We belong to another and love underpins the reason. It grounds the intellect with a root, a place that defines us, shows us where to return to.

I have some bad habits, some character faults, sometimes I get in the way, but beneath all that I know I belong here until I die. Here is where love opens for me. That's all. No flashing lights, no fanfare or gushing phrases.

But love requires attention. Wherever a question arises, pay attention to love.

Song of Light (glosa on Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah

I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?
It goes like this

“Hallelujah,” Leonard Cohen 

If lust in moonlight defies the laws of day
look again for another clue, the King
or Satan but not the youthful body made
to incubate the seed and turn it into
another King. Love is the bringer of life
and the question lies in the way we award
each birth its sacred crown, its milk
and meat, its breath and water
required to live. What can we afford?
I’ve heard there was a secret chord.

Went bathing too in someone’s pool
in a pink bikini, new, and pale as innocence,
with a giggle of girls unaware
of longing, we shivered out of water
to hug the man who wrapped his towel
around us, his smile was warm and broad
ubiquitous as the sun and the skin’s pleasure
to tender and warm the pumping heart
sweet melodies come to fate’s sharp sword
that David played, and it pleased the Lord.


But is that nature’s fault or our weak link
in organizing wars and tribal laws
we plunge into control, the hardware
of our thoughts, forgetting the power
and urgency of that which we can’t prove
or fix with science, or muddle through
the built in failure to close the womb
to see at last that pleasure is the gift
we crave, the ocean wave the loyal blue.
But you don’t really care for music, do you?


Ecclesiastes’ song of sighs like time alone
pulls the tide, and moon on water
softly bathes the night in soothing rhythm.
After bloodshed takes its toll, our purpose
under heaven rocks the crib to climax gentle
pleasures shooting stars to simple bliss.
Then fearful minds begin their work
to legislate possession of the universal seed
and make desire a trap, a prison, forbidden kiss.
It goes like this.

Create the story to resonate with deep needs and desires

This is number three of the five actions: 

Once upon a time there was an old woman.  She had a home, a family, good friends, considerate neighbours, clean air and water. She had nutritious food. 

There were trees, birds, insects and small animals around her. 

She was well and happy most of the time, but when she wasn't she could see a doctor. If she felt threatened or insecure there were police officers and lawyers. 

To stimulate her interests there were art groups, there was theatre and there was music, shared interest groups for conversation.

As wonderful as all this was, it wasn't enough.  She wanted more. She wanted conversations on how to deal with emergencies, how to protect the shores and mountains from pollution, how to address climate change. She wanted to learn how to be an effective socially responsible citizen. She wanted to defend nature against greed and careless abuse.

She wanted to love and be loved. She wanted truth and beauty. And she wanted to do whatever she could to support all sentient beings to have what they need to live a long and healthy life.

She lived once she was born and died when her life was over.

It's the worship of power that alienates us from our own power

I grew up believing that, to be a success, I had to emulate the rich and famous people on television and movies, as they presented themselves in public - for surely that is exactly who they are.

An incredible assumption isn't it?

In one of the teen magazines I filled out a questionnaire which told me this was the way to find out who I am.

The conclusion was that I was shallow! I was shocked because the people I looked to for advice said, I thought too much, I was too serious, and the boys would not like me because of that.

At the time I had no idea of how power worked. I thought you had it or you didn't, and if you didn't others would wipe the floor with you. In defence of that I decided to stand strong and not let anyone push me around. What I couldn't see was how others actually saw me.  Many years later, after many mistakes and several bouts of depression, I realized I appeared snobbish and cold.

So I re-masked myself, drew in some confidence and went out to learn how the world works and how to be effective in whatever I choose to do.   I thought power came from outside, from society, from friends and peers, from co-workers and managers. But I remained convinced that I had to look tough and never cry. Never, ever cry, for that is the worst thing you can do. Worse than killing birds and spiders. Worse than cheating on your taxes. Worse than letting someone put you down without a brilliant comeback.

As much as I wanted to be well liked, I was simply shallow. My self-esteem was non-existent. To be somebody I sought the approval of those around me. After giving birth to my first child I realized I was not the centre of the universe and that was a good thing. After my second child I learned that love is a more endurable power than fear. After my third child I learned that I was not in control and that was a good thing.

The world was not a series of headlines, television shows, actors and anchors - the world was the family, the neighbours, the friends and supports around me. I learned to think differently about power.

I could see that the headmistress in my last school had power in the way she encouraged me to develop some confidence. The Victorian Order of Nurses had power - for they gave me time to ask difficult questions about caring for my babies and myself without fear they would be taken away from me.

My partner and father of my children had power in all the ways he supported and loved us all. My friends had power in the ways they were authentic, caring people.

The world of power revealed it was an interdependent web. Whenever I sought position for my ego I became fractured and brittle. Whenever I thought of this world as a place where I could contribute my voice, my wisdom, my ideas, I discovered I was often wrong. But that was okay because I learned from mistakes.

My ego was powerless in all its appetites and vanities. This life that I call mine, is not really mine. It is the result of something that began billions of years ago. It is connected, dependent upon and subject to my own conscience. Social responsibility is embedded in all that before and all that will come after this short life.

Now as the human world is revealed through politics, wealth, fame and violence, it  forgets its own embedded opportunities to sustain itself and the planet it lives on, for the sake of power as a zero sum game.  And its this that is destroying us.

We must give up this worship to find our power within the web of life, which is desperately trying to reach us.

The Mycelium Party

I think it might be time to create another new political party called the Mycelium Movement. 

The emphasis of governing principles being about control has turned the best of human nature into a reductionist cruelty. 

Those at the 'top' find ways to restrict freedom, contain life, rather than encourage it. Political leaders must fall into the machinery of external control and use whatever powers they have to win from it. This is like negotiating with a tape worm growing inside you.

Of course the language is prettied up and sanitized by phrases such as "jobs and economy", or even "social justice". These notions imply we must fit into a thing instead of building on an idea. Originally the terms had positive meanings but have been corrupted so much they mean something else entirely.

Hegemony has spread in and over our imaginations. Being well adjusted has meant our own creative ideas take the back seat in a dark corner.

Many great thinkers know that we thrive on love. Great religions have focused on love as a binding  covenant. But love has been ridiculed, reduced and dismissed where all the operative functions of civil society somehow are sinking beneath some form of violence - war, weapons, threats, misogyny, machismo, and the marketing of a proscribed rationality.

How will our spirits grow and branch out to conversations so that we can accept compassion and non-violence as a measure of our "economy".

Happy Easter

[The Resurrection] "teaches us that the oppressive systems of this world do not stand a chance against Love.

It teaches us that you cannot nail Love down – we tried that once and it did not work."

Rev. Mark Sandlin

What is love? Generally love is attachment and can be interpreted in many ways. In the context of the resurrection of a beloved teacher, I believe, it is empathy and compassion. A call to know life around us, not just as labour for capitalism, a trainee for the military, or a consumer for business. The meaning of life is life itself and should be its own reward. A reverence for life does not oppress, or befuddle with sophistry, games and false hierarchy.

We are all related, so whatever hurts others hurts me too. I can see that I have a vested interest in the way humans are treated because I am also a human. This is clear with the threatened use  of nuclear weapons.

Enter Into Compassion

There are two doors. The one on the left has the sign TWTWW. The one on the right says Compassion.

The left door stands for The Way The World Works.  If you enter that you will find it’s crowded with people arguing.  They are researchers who have done their homework. Their papers are annotated with long bibliographies to support their theories. They are passionately arguing about the reasons and the causes of the world’s problems. Each invested in their own particular view because they have so much proof to back up their argument. Yet they can’t get everyone to agree.

The right door marked Compassion is eerily quiet. There are 2 rows of beds, most of them filled with people who seem to be near death. As you walk quietly through this room you realize it is a sterilized palliative care ward with white sheets and walls, and no sign of nursing staff. 

You decide to walk through the aisle. You see a woman, thin and pale. She is someone you love and she doesn’t know you are there. You softly say hello and there is no response. You say her name and she turns to you and smiles. You ask her if she remembers you and her eyes close as if to return to sleep.  You tell her you are here to help. You list all the therapies available that might cure her of the disease she is dying from. 

You are beginning to feel a panic rise from your stomach as you wonder if there was anyone there to help her or whether they gave up too soon.  Then a nurse appears and reminds you that this is a hospice. You feel your voice rising to a higher pitch as you interrogate. The friend you love who is dying turns away from you at this point. You are losing her. So you pull up a chair and sit quietly by her bed. Listen to her breathe for awhile, then you begin to sing very quietly:

            May I be filled with loving kindness, may I be well.

            May I be peaceful and at ease, may I be whole.

Then your friend slowly turns toward you, opens her eyes, and manages a feint smile.

            May you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well.

            May you be peaceful and at ease, may you be whole.

Slowly she moves her arm over her body towards the side of the bed where you sit.  You take her hand very gently and you sing

            May we be filled with loving kindness, may we be well.

            May we be peaceful and at ease, may we be whole.

All the muscles in her face relax as she sinks into her last exhalation. You weep silently and eventually leave.

Your heart is heavy and full of sorrow but you feel at peace because you were able to be with her as she left your world. You don’t know why she turned away when you offered to help or why she turned toward you when you sat quietly beside her. You don’t know what advised you to do that but it was clear then that was the right thing to do. Was it your imagination when you felt something was guiding you.  Was it you singing or was it someone else? What made you visit at that time?

There are no answers to your questions. You have no knowledge other than an intuitive pull. All you know is that you were there and you felt honoured to be there.

There have been many times when I was afraid to feel compassion, to express sympathy. Somehow it felt more like an intrusion into another's pain, to satisfy myself that I did something rather than nothing. Would I, through my own ignorance say something that was really harmful or hurtful?

What is compassion anyway? 

My introduction came through child birth. The nervous system reflecting away from myself and into life within and then around me. The first time I held a newborn infant I saw the shape of  responsibility to feel compassion, to keep this creature safe so he will survive.  How would I know how to do that?

  

After this infant opened his eyes and smiled, the realization that I was not the centre of the universe was a whole body awakening. It was a new entry into life, an unaffected being who came through me, revealing a deeper meaning as I rocked him in my arms. His fragile body said forget all that you think you know.

The pregnant body invaded the self-centred ego and reverberated back to the world. I think this is an apt metaphor for all men and women regardless of whether they have children or not, who see their life as being a conduit to new life whether it is a legal document, a piece of art, or a new community.

Wherever our task becomes one of caring for the other, the other becomes part of us. We suspend the judgement and learn to look into another’s eyes and see there what we see rather than what we have been told to see.

All of these eyes have different stories that can merge into a single narrative.  But being available to “thou” is a grounding alternative to “I” as Martin Buber pointed out in his book where “you” become half of what “I” am.  It is a shared responsibility where I neither feel I am to blame if you are not happy, or triumphant if you are. 

The world is with me and not about me, I can be open to what you think and feel and hope for without being an accomplice. I can help you find what you need by getting out of your way, by asking you how I can help.

To simply be with you, to listen and to feel what I feel as I hear your narrative. 

The stories you tell are embedded with layers of suffering and hope. This is how I enter into compassion.  To be with you – your achievements, your moments of disappointment, your grief.

Compassion doesn’t demand style or expertise – it demands presence. Compassion doesn’t ask for advice. It doesn’t ask for a fix. It’s asks for a witness, a friend, a person who hears and sees.

When we enter into compassion we simply have to be there, to get beneath the labels and intellectual constructs. To look into the face of suffering, the eyes of pain, while there, forget the narrative circling our own lives. Forget the economic forecasts, the daily news, and all that we pride ourselves on knowing. Compassion allows us to let down all the flags, all the defenses. It allows us to look into another person’s face and see a unique and indescribable beauty. It allows us a break from that inner critic that keeps feeding back a report on how we are doing.

The folks in the TWTWW room are important. They musn’t stop their research, the annotated bibliographies, their argumentation. Their compassion is invested in a better future for all, but the palliative care ward, the small song, the reaching hand is needed to provide the strength and support to endure.

I close with the words of a young Anne Frank (The Diary of Anne Frank in Day by Day, ed. Chaim Stern (Beacon Press) hiding in an annex from the Nazis.

I can feel the suffering of millions
and yet, if I look up into the heavens,
I think it will all come right,
and that this cruelty too will end,
and that peace and tranquility will return again.
In the meantime,
I must uphold my ideals,
for perhaps the time will come
when I shall be able to carry them out.

What is Love?

Beginning with Paul's letter to the Corinthians, love is patient, kind, it does not boast, is not proud, does not dishonour, is not self-seeking, is not easily angered, keeps no record of wrongs, does not delight in evil, always protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres.

So that is pretty straight forward. There are six things that love is and seven things it is not according to this Biblical passage. 

For Will Shakespeare - "love is not love which alters when it alteration finds ... it is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests ... and is never shaken.

You have to be older than twenty to appreciate Shakespeare's instruction. It is an idealistic notion and I can see how this might be true and how it might not. However he does carry some authority because of all the plays he wrote that we still love because his characters resemble a timeless authenticity. He has earned his credibility.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
― Lao Tzu

In my life this is true. As a young child I was loved and so grew to be an adult, then was loved again. These are markers in my life where I could have discounted the love I received because it was less than perfect, or the courage to carry on when my love was also imperfect.


“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”
― Robert Fulghum, True Love

Weirdness is another word for the unpredictable, for diversity of experience.  Love does not attempt to prove that it exists, it is not a chemical compound, the GDP, or "jobs and the economy".  Is love the reason for these things? Not exclusively but perhaps to allow love to remain.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” 

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

And so the most powerful people on earth might have been successful at locking away their hearts to leave a clear head for strategy - to keep their lovers on a leash to use at their convenience. Or the most broken people on earth have locked away their hearts because their experience leads them to believe that is the only way they can survive. This is what Karen Armstrong calls the "reptilian brain".

“When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love have always won. There have been tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they can seem invincible, but in the end, they always fall. Think of it--always.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

There are so many friends around, so many people who base their work on love and truth. We are not famous because we are abundant. We don't remark on them as something distant like a news headline because we know them. Diverse, imperfect - we need your help. Need you to be clear in mind and heart so that we can get behind the trends that lead us to more happiness and less suffering.

Yes all these quotes but one are from men. Why is that? Why did I choose men rather than women? I chose those who were well known in many nations and women are not as celebrated globally in that sense. However I will end with a quote by Hannah Arendt which I think is the most profound.

"Love, by its very nature, is unworldly, and it is for this reason rather than its rarity that it is not only apolitical but antipolitical perhaps the most powerful of all antipolitical forces." Hannah Arendt.

As of Today

Yesterday I attended a memorial service for a man who was, and still is, loved among family, friends, and members of the congregation he helped to build.

From the time he knew his death was approaching to the planning of the memorial and the actual celebration of his life, the lives of about thirty people were consumed into creating this event.  People who held off sleep, housekeeping and other rituals of their life to think about, write, communicate, select, travel, arrange chairs and tables, cater, and clean up afterwards.  For the closest members of the family, including the man whose life was celebrated, the effort was extraordinary.  In a way it took whole life times across generations to come to this. Learning, striving, struggle, fear and joy, and ultimately the conclusion of this celebration was proof of the abundance of love.

As I think about the interdependent web in which I live, I see the same elements, the many celebrations of life, the art of living.  These include the skills of planning a dinner with love, cleaning the house and washing the dishes – all to celebrate the joy of food with company. I see the theatre festival built on thousands of hours of learning how to  write, stage, advertise, to garner an army of volunteers with lifetime training in their craft.  I see generations of scientific study and the institutions of learning that have endured centuries of change to produce the best doctors, lawyers, engineers and teachers, to sustain a functional civil society.

Our own children who have branched out to develop their own lives, struggle to nurture their own families which include their closest friends.  I think about their constant focus on researching and caring which all began with two egos who fell in love and decided to invest in life itself. I look on all these things and think – what a wonderful world! What wonderful surprising creatures we are. 

From the blessings of my life I have learned that building community requires me to listen to others whether I agree with them or not, to share my honest thoughts with them, to help others by working with their needs instead of giving advice, to co-operate, to do no harm, to find common ground and to celebrate their successes.  The energy I have learned to use in community is shared leadership.  

Then I turn on the radio and learn about another politicianwho won an election, not on nurturing the values most of us use every day, but on a campaign of fear and intolerance.  If I am to believe he was fairly elected how is it the voters give themselves wholeheartedly to life yet vote against the energies that nurture it?

How is it that we see power working in our lives when we work together, and yet we select the voices of intolerance, cruelty and bigotry as if the only power we have is to vote against those who are different.   How is it that we don’t get it when we are oppressed by transnational corporations, the 1%, the power elite – yet   we are outraged that those with less than us, may need help?

This is the gap in our understanding of how our power works.  It’s easy to gain more influence by funding movements built on fear and hate if power is already centralized in a system of values that keeps the masses unaware of their own value, their capacity to organize and to create the communities they want.

How do we teach people who celebrate life that the power they have can be good, as long as they don’t abuse it?  I guess that first we have to learn we are part of one family -  the whole interdependent web of existence.

Crises in Power

Uroborus

When organizations, institutions, nations and global corporations have destroyed the means of democratic power that comes of thoughtful, intelligent cooperation among people, "Power" becomes a dirty word, and humanity appears only to be little more than vermin.

Murray Dobbins has illustrated in his post "The Tyrant's Poison Pill: the suppression of civil society" the way violence harms whole societies. But also, I suspect this mass violence permanently damages our capacity to survive by creating a new species incapable of nurturing life.

We live in a time of global, political, social and religious dysfunction. The age of pathology where  structure demands its members compete for power in the arena of zero sum games.  Politicians, CEO's, corporate representatives must, by default, divest themselves of anything civil and decent in order to play the game - where egos are isolated, alone, enemies among enemies, looking over their shoulder, in mistrust.

We are trained to believe we are successful when we are losing our way, going mad. The biggest bullies are not in control because the whole organism known as civil society is decaying.  

At the end of World War II, European civilizations were in the spiral of destruction and nihilism, and courageous people worked together to re-build new worlds through extraordinary effort, and faith in the best of human nature.

America shined like a beacon of hope for many, with its creative energy. But megalomania got hold of it too, and the more wealthy and successful they became, the more violent their foreign policy. Now America is being destroyed by the ideologies that destroyed Europe.

What are the main instruments of this destructive power? Fear, hate, and greed. But these are also natural human emotions that most, if not all, have experienced.

Where is the way out? First to acknowledge the seeds of destruction are within us. Then to see that power as something elevated or superior to life,  is the carrier of delusion in our collective mind.  Power for power's sake fixes nothing and destroys everything. It is the uroborus (the serpent that swallows its tail for the integration and assimilation of the opposite).  In Christianity it is the fallen angel Satan and "our race apart from God".

For me, the first steps towards our way out is to fill up on love and compassion, in order to return to the power that reveres and comes from life.