When I came to Canada with my parents and siblings in 1965 I was determined to win, to be A SUCCESS. I got a job working in offices as a clerk-typist and figured I would rise up and be A SUCCESS. I didn't know what success was or where I would find it. It was so remote from where I was at the time. I figured it was enough just to have that ambition. Minor skills like typing and filing were enough to begin but not enough. SUCCESS was to be found in my determination to discover what my special talent was.
My philosophy came from television sit-coms which I would watch regularly to see who would win in those shows. What was the message? Be determined to not be ordinary. To be ordinary, to find comfort in friends and family was a waste of a lifetime. I was careful not to express these feelings and assertions because of fear of being ridiculed.
It was not the skill, the discipline, the hard work that I sought but the secret to success. I was really trying hard to be focussed on goals, entertaining myself by reading psychology and philosophy - only to appear interesting. A SUCCESS depended on appearance.
As I look back to those younger days I see a shallow person who didn't even know who she was, who held opinions because she wanted TO BE A SUCCESS. What drove my ambition in those days was ego and imagination. My opinions were on my side except when I fell to depression, which became more frequent as I struggled TO BE A SUCCESS!
I had to be popular. To perform like a confident person. To stride into life with confidence and poise. I believed this was my own wisdom that observed these but as I read it to today these were merely the messages I was fed by popular programming, regurgitating the messages I was fed by corporate entertainment.
Fortunately someone fell in love with me and we got married. We had three beautiful children. Fantasies took a back seat to the reality of daily living. That saviour was and is my life partner. He stayed with me throughout all my vanities, telling his own wisdom as it was needed throughout the various mental health crises and my hunger for rising above being a nobody.
Depression was always a threat to my mothering so I cleared away thoughts and feelings to focus on the here and now, and learned the wealth and good luck that came with having a home and good friends. My family needed a mother who was present and wise. They gave me the same as I gave them.
Community you can trust needs you to trust community. I love the people who are successful and who have integrity, the people who genuinely care and want to help, who see your friendship as part of their community of wealth. My family and community have saved my life. I didn't have to prove my worth by status and achievement any more than I needed my community to prove they were worthy other than treating others with respect.
No comments:
Post a Comment