Continuing from Dr. Blasey Ford’s Testimony, the Truths I Know
I watched closely the Supreme Court events in the US and found myself becoming increasingly sad, angry and churned up with the process and the ultimate outcome. Spoiler alert. Yes, I clearly side with Dr. Ford and I will over the course of this essay endeavour to show you why.
I am not myself a survivor of sexual assault or abuse. But at this historic moment I am reminded of all the brave women who I was honoured to treat in my capacity as a clinical psychologist and Assistant Clinical Professor within the Dept. of Psychiatry at McMaster University. As a clinician I bore witness to the words of women who were 30, 40, 70 years of age when they spoke to me, often for the first time, of their childhood sexual abuse or their sexual assaults as adults. Assaults by uncles, fathers, brothers, friends.
I am not myself a survivor of sexual assault or abuse. But at this historic moment I am reminded of all the brave women who I was honoured to treat in my capacity as a clinical psychologist and Assistant Clinical Professor within the Dept. of Psychiatry at McMaster University. As a clinician I bore witness to the words of women who were 30, 40, 70 years of age when they spoke to me, often for the first time, of their childhood sexual abuse or their sexual assaults as adults. Assaults by uncles, fathers, brothers, friends.
This is what I want to say. This is the truth as I know it. This is what I’d like to shout to certain individuals. Twenty, thirty, fifty years later. Those women in my office remembered. Those women who were mothers, daughters, sisters, aunts, wives, lawyers, doctors, artists, plumbers, Asian, African American, indigenous... women.
Those women remembered. They remembered very well.
In great detail. Every one of those women remembered ALL that was done to their bodies. They remembered the words he said to them. They remembered how he whispered and taunted, told her that she liked what he was doing. Told her how he’d kill her cat if she spoke out. She remembered that he told her no one would believe her. Those women remembered. They remembered his body odour, his cologne. They remembered where he put his fingers. They remembered the weight of his body on their own bodies.
Those women remembered. They remembered very well.
In great detail. Every one of those women remembered ALL that was done to their bodies. They remembered the words he said to them. They remembered how he whispered and taunted, told her that she liked what he was doing. Told her how he’d kill her cat if she spoke out. She remembered that he told her no one would believe her. Those women remembered. They remembered his body odour, his cologne. They remembered where he put his fingers. They remembered the weight of his body on their own bodies.
But what I also know to be true. All those women longed to forget. They craved that their memories of those moments would evaporate.
Those women, every one of them, all those women, wished and hoped that the memory would depart from their brains and their bodies.
Those kind, intelligent, caring, compassionate and courageous women.
Each in their own way had worked so hard to forget. Drinking too much. Working long hours. Chastising themselves. Pretending it didn’t happen. Telling themselves it wasn’t that bad.
Denial. Repression. Dissociation. All the psychological defences were employed.
Employed for months. Years. Decades. Wonderful defenses they are. Except they only work in the short term. They don’t eradicate memory.
Those defences don’t work in the long term because those kind of memories have a life of their own. They are not to be obliterated.
They will not be erased. That’s not how traumatic memory works. The body remembers what the mind forgets. The body does not lie or deny. The body may create disguises and diversions. Depression. Anxiety. Panic disorder. Headaches. Stomach aches. Nausea. Suicide attempts. Nightmares. Sleep disturbances. PTSD. But still the memories of the abuse remain.
Those women, every one of them, all those women, wished and hoped that the memory would depart from their brains and their bodies.
Those kind, intelligent, caring, compassionate and courageous women.
Each in their own way had worked so hard to forget. Drinking too much. Working long hours. Chastising themselves. Pretending it didn’t happen. Telling themselves it wasn’t that bad.
Denial. Repression. Dissociation. All the psychological defences were employed.
Employed for months. Years. Decades. Wonderful defenses they are. Except they only work in the short term. They don’t eradicate memory.
Those defences don’t work in the long term because those kind of memories have a life of their own. They are not to be obliterated.
They will not be erased. That’s not how traumatic memory works. The body remembers what the mind forgets. The body does not lie or deny. The body may create disguises and diversions. Depression. Anxiety. Panic disorder. Headaches. Stomach aches. Nausea. Suicide attempts. Nightmares. Sleep disturbances. PTSD. But still the memories of the abuse remain.
The memories of the abuse remain alongside SHAME. Shame rushes in with haste the moment the abuser leaves the room. Shame fills every cell of one’s body. Shame freezes the voice. Shame tells you that you are bad, unworthy, no one will believe you.
Shame is always there after abuse. Shame is the great silencer. “Shame holds secrets like a banker’s vault. Only death does a better job.” (Tears in the Grass, Lynda Archer)
Shame is always there after abuse. Shame is the great silencer. “Shame holds secrets like a banker’s vault. Only death does a better job.” (Tears in the Grass, Lynda Archer)
I honour all the women who have courageously spoken out. I honour all the women who might never speak out. And in the words of Maya Angelou:
“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
Lynda A. Archer, Ph.D., MFA
Clinical Psychologist (Retired),
Assistant Clinical Professor, Dept. of Psychiatry, McMaster University (Retired)
Author: Tears in the Grass, Dundurn Press
October 16, 2018
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