Why is that? Could be because I am lazy or cowardly or weak? I keep asking myself am I doing enough? Is there something I could do to save the world?
The last three words in that question reveals my biggest weakness.
I am looking for a universal fix. This is not a musical or a pantomime.
Knowing how complex my life has been. I recently listened to our children telling me what's wrong with my wishes.
Humans came into this world needing only love and food and acceptance.
I deeply admire heroes like Maya Angelou, Leonard Cohen, and my friend Jane who is no longer on this earth.
I love all the people who have learned wisdom, who can argue for the right and wrong of our time on this planet.
As a child I did not have courage. I kept my thoughts to myself until I knew who I was talking to. When I served the Unitarian Fellowship as a Lay Chaplain, the fit was easy for the first part. Be inclusive, volunteer regularly, respect all members.
Earlier life was not so simple. A common phrase directed at me, was "you'll never amount to anything" which I think was due to being slow, not cleaning up after myself. Not knowing how to fit in to the family. I isolated myself as much as I could because I simply didn't belong here.
I watched TV. It was easy. I learned about the world and my place in it by TV sitcoms. I loved to perform easy things. Poems I learned by heart. Music in the school choir.
Some people knew I was a daydreamer, allowing myself to fantasize being a sitcom actor, being famous, getting the adulation given to beautiful women who everyone adored. Constantly looking at my appearance, looking for proof that I was special.
Rather than help my mother with washing dishes or dusting furniture, I would enter my dreamworld whenever possible. Study the half hour sitcoms because I couldn't watch dramas that were about real world difficulties.
If you are still with me you might be thinking I was a narcissist. My friend deduced my weakness. My aunts deduced my lack of being anything. Not brave, not smart. The world was too much. I spent the first part of my life fantasizing what I would become. Most people realized I was nothing good or bad. The world was too difficult for me. I frequently walked home from school in tears.
But thankful I was not male. I couldn't fight anyone. Couldn't spend time questioning how the world worked and what my place would be in this. I daydreamed.
Since then other souls came to my rescue even though they didn't know it. Then one day working for community services I heard a person say I had low self esteem. I thought I should grow out of it. That I should be taking care of others not building my own ego. This was a shock because I tried so hard to focus on the needs of others and take myself out of the picture.
Now I see and hear this world of big egos willing to kill, bomb and control this planet and congratulate themselves for being in control.
Phew! Imagine that. High ranking leaders absorbed by their own egos. But then this is patriarchy. Training males to do what they're told, not thinking, just obeying orders. Where did we go wrong?
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