they said.
It might have been a common response to any female child who had opinions.
Or any person who was an immigrant but not rich.
Or anyone they did not agree with or like.
This is what I heard from Aunts, Teachers and any adult who I annoyed.
So I attempted to be something.
My mother's family came from France in the second World war.
Expressing my opinion was easy for me. I was the kind of child who started singing when I thought my kin were asleep. It showed me up for being conceited and uncaring about others. This was when I was afraid of my father.
I didn't have academic ability and would drift off during class. I was driven by my own opinions, thoughts and needs.
When arriving in Canada at 16 I believed I would be special because I came from England. I entered the Miss Canada Pageant, eager to make friends. Becoming famous was the goal although I didn't attach any skills. However a man at the office where I worked said I have nice apples and so I was noticed.
I believed as long as I feel safe all was well. At that time the beauty contests were reasonably clean and they protected the contestants from scheming men when they could. I mentioned to them I was getting scared because the man who drove me had planned to take me to a place he was to visit after the pageant and that conversation in the car was about sexuality - sort of like grooming. When I told the pageant staff they arranged for me to get a plane from Toronto back to Montreal. It was a lucky day for this new Canadian.
I wanted to be famous so I clearly had a high opinion of myself. Although I didn't have fame or money.
But what did it mean that I would never amount to anything. What kind of fame was I after. I was ignorant and vain but that didn't show up on my inner opinion of myself. It was my ego who was determined not my real self, my cloak of self deception. Oh and the modern advertising to get people to care only about how they look to the outside world. I swallowed it all.
Eventually I found love, got married and had three children. Then I had to think seriously about them.
Would the mother who would never amount to anything be a source of wisdom and kindness? Allowing them to find fame and wealth?
My naïveté was not dangerous in the sixties. My opinions and the readiness to share them. Helped although there was the time a man who had a high position wanted to see me. The hierarchy was tight and women, young women, would try to please any man who has power. I was taken to his office where he fondled my breasts. Sighed and let me go. Then I was demoted although I never told anyone about it. I thought a different person tried to protect me.
